Healing
by Charmed Writer P4
Summary: Part of a series. The sisters are finally getting some time to deal with all that's happened. Done in seperate POVs. R&R please! *Chapter 3 up*
1. Piper

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, but the story is mine. (woo-hoo) I am praying no one sues me!! If their are any spells and unless I tell you different, I will have obtained them from thecharmedworld.com, so they aren't mine either!  
  
AN: If you haven't ever read my stories, it may do you some good to look back at the others before reading this so that it makes a little more sense. Ok, as promised, the new story!   
  
I just wish everything could be different. I wish Prue had never died. Then maybe, just maybe, Phoebe and Paige would never had to endure what I couldn't stop. I wish Paige had grown up with us. Then she wouldn't have had to feel like an outsider, and Prue and Phoebe could have a sister they could actually count on. I wish Phoebe had never met Cole, or I could have shown her what he was, instead of allowing her to fall into his grasp. All of this had caused nothing but pain. A pain I should have stopped, and failed to do. I should have been better, tried harder, been more protective, but I wasn't and didn't. Now, the ones I love are hurting because of me, thought they won't admit it. Leo won't look at me, and I can't blame him. He knows it's my fault that we lost our baby, and I know it too. Prue has tried to help me, but regardless of what she or the others say, I will never forgive myself, never forget. I am such a mess right now. Paige and Phoebe need me to be strong, but I can't do it, not even for them. Prue is here now, I no longer have to be the oldest sister. I never was any good at it anyway, obviously considering what all took place. My God, in the short time I was in the eldest sister role, Phoebe died and went to Hell, Paige was tortured by Cole, the bastard, I made Paige feel as though she shouldn't exist, then Phoebe was shot because I didn't even consider the fact that our innocent might be pissed at us. I heard from one of the waitresses at P3 that Starlene died from the cancer we forced her to live with. What kind of a witch am I?  
  
Prue has been watching me every night as I sleep. She doesn't know that I notice her sneaking into my room. She guards each of us at night, I think. Sometimes, when she leaves my room, I let myself cry. I will never tell her though, she doesn't need that burden. Paige is a zombie right now. I think she's just exhausted, like the rest of us. Phoebe, well, she's doing her best to deny everything. It's killing her, but sooner or later, she'll have to face it. When she does, I hope that I can help her and stop being such a failure. Prue has never faltered, she helps us all exactly how and when we need it. That was how I should have been, while she was gone. I should have been the strong one, the rock for our family. Instead, I was the weak link. My sisters deserved better and I couldn't provide it. Thank God Prue is here, otherwise they wouldn't make it through.  
  
I don't know what happens now. I can't just move on, knowing I've hurt so many people, knowing that I let them all down. I've avoided all of their stares,as I'm sure they have noticed. I can't look into the eyes of the people I love most when I know, without a doubt, that I am the cause of the pain in their expressions and the feeling of despair I know they experience. I lost Phoebe, my sweet little sister, and my baby, a pure, innocent soul. I couldn't stop it, didn't get the chance to try. Sometimes, I wish the Elders would take me and leave my sisters with Prue, the one every I know they can count on. Who knows, maybe they will. They have to realise what a mistake I am. I wonder if this ache will ever be replaced. I don't believe it will, contrary to what my sisters tell me. It doesn't matter anyway, I deserve every ounce of it. They never deserved what happened to them and now they are suffering. I love them so much and I can't even help them get over the grief they are feeling. Isn't that my job? What a joke. Prue knew I would fail at filling her shoes, I bet that is why the Elders sent her back. No matter what the reason, I am so happy to have her back. She should have been here all along. I should have died in her place, I wish I would have.  
  
I could do it, right now. I could grab a knife from the kitchen and drag it across my wrists. I am not afraid to die, in fact, I would welcome the change. It hurts too much to breathe anyway. The one thought that stops me, that keeps me from killing myself, is of my sisters. Even though I failed them, they still love me. I would only succeed in making it worse for them, and I will avoid that at all costs. I wonder what it would be like, to drift away from this world. Hell, I hear, is nothing but torture and unbelievable pain. Exactly what I deserve, but I can't go there, not now. Prue is calling me, and I have to go downstairs. Yet another day filled with sorrow and guilt. Maybe I am in Hell after all... 


	2. Paige

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, but the story is mine. (woo-hoo) I am praying no one sues me!! If their are any spells and unless I tell you different, I will have obtained them from thecharmedworld.com, so they aren't mine either!  
  
AN: I got a request for Paige's POV, and, though I'm doing all four sisters, and maybe Leo, I will do hers next. So here ya go SnOwBuNnY...:) Thanks for reviewing, you too P3Halliwell1329 , Anne, and of course, Starring Piper! I hope you enjoy the fast update...You don't even have to wait a whole day  
Piper is drawing into herself more and more each day. We've all noticed it, but none of us have the courage to really say anything. None of us, that is, except Prue. Prue, the superwitch, the sister I never knew, is here and I am actually afraid. Not of her, but of what might happen now that she is back. I do love her and I am happy she is alive again, but I wonder if I am needed anymore. I see how she is with Phoebs and Piper, and I'm not sure if we'll ever get that way. I was a replacement, and a bad one at that. I didn't need Piper to remind me of it. Though she doesn't say it now, the words echo through my mind constantly these days. I forgave her, but I guess my heart won't forget. I know they love me, and I them, but do they NEED me? Not anymore, not for the Power of Three and maybe not even for a sister. Prue is a perfect sister. Even to me, she is the best sister imagineable.   
  
It must be hard for them, knowing that they have an extra person to worry about. I am in the way, although it hasn't been said. Phoebe barely speaks to me. Neither does Piper, for that matter. They are too busy healing or at least trying. Piper has sunk so far, I think she wants to kill herself. God, what an awful thought. Phoebe won't admit that she has gone through a lot and deserves the chance to let go. I tried talking to them both, and got a subconscious door slammed in my face. Prue says it's because they are trying to forget, and I think maybe I remind them. I came when everything went to Hell, and now I am a constant reminder that it all happened. It did all happen, harsh reality, but it's true. I can't deny it, and I tried. I don't want to be the one that doesn't belong. That is something I just can't take.   
  
Glenn is helping me heal. He is exactly who I need him to be. Without him, I'd be lost. The day he came back after looking for me all night, was the day I began to feel overloaded with guilt. I had been so busy worrying about my sisters, that I neglected him completely. Still, he loves me. I know he knows, he has to. He doesn't seem to hold it against me, but I do enough of that for us both. I love him, and I don't deserve him at all. He deserves someone who can drop everything and just BE with him. I can't give him that, he says he understands, but I hate it anyway. Glenn is my shelter, I need him more than I need to breathe. Thank God I realised it before I pushed him away too far. If it wasn't for him, I think I would go crazy.   
  
I think of moving a lot, have even talked to Glenn about it. I can't, not while my sisters are in the state they are, but after...if they begin to think I am only a distraction, an old replacement they don't need anymore, I will go with Glenn and never come back. I don't want to have to do that, but I don't want to be here if that happens. I love them too much to be a burden to them, even if it means I have to leave the only family I have. I have grown to love them more than anything...so much it hurts just to consider going anywhere. My heart breaks every time I look at Piper. Her eyes mirror her thoughts. I want to comfort her, but only Prue can do that. I wish I could help Phoebe, but Prue says what I can't. I will stay out of they way, and maybe they won't remember that I am IN the way. Maybe I won't have to go. I hope they still love me as much as I do them. For now, I guess I have to wait and see... 


	3. Phoebe

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, but the story is mine. (woo-hoo) I am praying no one sues me!! If their are any spells and unless I tell you different, I will have obtained them from thecharmedworld.com, so they aren't mine either!  
  
AN: Ok, Phoebe, what do ya say?? Yes, Phoebe is next, my friends, and if this all doesn't make sense, I apologize in advance! I got this strange idea...lol, what else is new. Anways, review or I will NEVER again update...riiight! :P (aww, the joy of idle threats...:P:P)  
  
I am all alone in this dark, cold world. No one is near me, and I am afraid. Wait, no, that can't be true. Vague images haunt my memories, but I can't decide if they are real, or merely a part of my imagination. Sometimes, I see them clearly, faces etched with concern, and then they fade away and I am left in blackness. Even as I think these thoughts, something is eating at me. It is trying to surface, but I must suppress it. How long I can keep it at bay is an open question. I wish I knew. All I know is that it gets closer every day, and part of me welcomes it. How odd, that there are seperate pieces of the same being, fighting for the right to be recognized. Ah, now I fear I am slightly mad. A woman is watching me, sharp eyes on my face. I feel as though I should talk to her, remember her. She keeps telling me to accept something, but I know not what it is.  
  
Slowly, memories are creeping into my mind. I'm not sure what to do with them, so I just file them away until something else comes along, to link it with yet another recollection. I can see me, as a child, with my sisters, or so I presume them to be. Sisters? Surely that is mistaken, there is no one but me. I shake my head to clear the fog away and my eyes again focus on the one in front of me. "Come on, Phoebe. Let me in. Talk to me, honey," she says to me, words finally making some small sense. I know who she is! "Prue...," I say softly, willing it to be true. Then, something hits me, sharply, and I want nothing but to pull away. I see her, in a coffin, lifeless. She's here with me, then there, dead. Which is real? Tell me, I want to say, which is real. My mouth won't form the words, but things begin to clear. Paige, yes, another sister. She came..and then what? I have to concentrate, I have to make myself understand. I feel like a child, struggling to remember something at school. Tortured pictures flash before me, and now I know what happened. I wish I didn't, not knowing was much better than facing the truth.  
  
Prue is staring at me, but I don't want her to see. Tears, hot and fresh, are rolling down my cheeks. Childish tears that I don't deserve because I was the cause of so much. I want Piper's arms around me, but she, as I recall, is lost in her own horrible thoughts. I feel very dizzy and lightheaded, but I don't want to let go of the real world just yet. Even though it is killing me, I have to hold on. For my sisters, I have to hold on. If I fall now, I won't ever truly come back. "Get Piper," I tell my sister, clutching at her, clinging to reality. As long as Piper is near me, I won't go. She was always the one who helped me, always. Prue is yelling for her, but I think I may be slipping away. I hope Piper gets here before it is too late. Prue looks so scared. Is she scared for me? I just don't know anymore. I have to concentrate or I will lose everything. Please Piper, come hold me. Someone comes into the room, but it isn't her. Who is she? Come on Phoebe, remember. She seems so familiar...my memories are drifting further away. NO! Paige. That's who it is. "Paige, I love you," I tell her, using that to give me strength. She looks almost as lost as I know I must.   
  
There she is, my comfort, but my God, she looks so different. Older, and so tired. I know it is grief that makes her this way. Grief that I caused and that bears down on us all. Amazing how all she ever did was help me,and all I ever do is hurt. Paige is holding my hand, and Piper is coming to me, wearily, but steadily. Thank God, I made it. Now, maybe I can start to accept what happened. Piper and Paige need to, as well, I think. I guess we all need each other to get through this. They almost lost me, and I, them. Prue will be a precious gift, she always knows what to say. I think maybe, with all of my sisters around me, I can chase away the shadows that threaten to swallow me whole. Yes, I know I can do this with them... 


	4. Prue

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, but the story is mine. (woo-hoo) I am praying no one sues me!! If their are any spells and unless I tell you different, I will have obtained them from thecharmedworld.com, so they aren't mine either!  
  
AN: Do ya wonder what Prue's take is? Yeah...me too! :P Here it is, guys, the Superwitch's POV! WOO-HOO. Paigefan, no, Phoebe wasn't dying, she was going off the deep end, so to speak. I told you it may not make sense to you, sorry for the confusion! Oh, and Starring, since you're such a loyal reviewer, I'ma do another chapter on Piper after this one. K? This story is nearly over, cuz I want to get on with my idea before it flies away!   
  
Things have fallen apart. Everything that used to be normal has flown away and now my sisters are in despair. I am fighting the strong pull misery has, and so far, my tactics are working. I hope it lasts. Otherwise, no one will be here to help my sisters. No one but me should do it. It's my job, my responsiblility as the oldest. Besides, I like taking care of them. I love them more than everything. I am overjoyed at the fact that the Elders finally wisened up and let me come home.  
  
It's different with Paige than it is with the other two. They understand me, my ways, and trust me completely. We grew up together, so it is only natural that we are best friends. Paige seems....wary of me. Like she's afraid I am going to hurt her in some way. I would never, not for any reason, cause her anymore pain than she has already suffered. I know that, but she needs to as well. Hopefully, she'll learn to relax and not be so cautious around me. She has to if I am going to get her through these rough parts. I've got to be there for her, no matter what, like I am with Phoebe and Piper. I refuse to let her feel like an outsider. She went through that with Piper, and it hurt her enough. Maybe that is why she's so hesitant with me. I guess we need to talk, her and I. She has to know that I love her and only want to help. Somehow, I'll make her see that, if it takes what strength I have left to give. My newest baby sister is NOT going to drift away from us and be left behind. She's worth more than that!  
  
Phoebe is slipping to the cracks so far that I'm just not sure if I can pull her out of the...world she's in. She stares, unmoving, for hours at nothing. Sometimes, when I talk to her, she looks through me. It scares me when she does that, but I don't let her know. If I just pretend, for her, that she's healthy and normal, then she just might come back. She is getting a little better, but not because of anything I'm doing. Piper is helping her so much, though she has a lot to deal with herself. For days, Piper would barely speak,and wouldn't look at any of us, but now she's interacting with Phoebe. Phoebe responds more to her than anyone, so I'm kind of giving them space. My heart is heavy knowing that I can't do for her what I should. I was dead, gone from her life, and she no longer needs me. That sounds so selfish. I should be glad she is getting better at all, not moping because it isn't ME that's helping her. Still, I can't help but feel a little lost. Piper has always been the nurturer, and I guess that is what Phoebe needs just now. I will keep quiet and give her what I can. Love, support, encouragement...I hope it's enough.  
  
I wonder about Piper. When she's with Phoebe, she seems so strong, but at night, when I look in on her, she's crying into her pillow. I made the mistake of trying to comfort her, once, and only once. She got hysterical, and didn't calm down until I finally left her alone. It was hard, forcing myself to walk away from someone I'd protected all my life and leave her sobbing and thrashing on the floor. It nearly broke my heart. Sometimes, though, you have to do what hurts the most for you, to help the one you love. Sounds like a pearl of wisdom. I sound like my mom. I miss her, but I have to be here with my sisters. 


	5. Piper

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, but the story is mine. (woo-hoo) I am praying no one sues me!! If their are any spells and unless I tell you different, I will have obtained them from thecharmedworld.com, so they aren't mine either!  
  
AN: Ok, sorry, it's been a little while. I have been SO busy (debate...) Starring, I hope you enjoy this, cuz it's for you! Oh, this is the last chapter of this story, and soon I will start the next story. ONLY if you review and tell me if you want the next one, though!  
  
It is amazing the way life has a way of putting itself back together. I know that we still have a way to go, but we are all getting better. Phoebe is doing so well, and so am I. Once I finally drug myself out of the hole I was in and started looking at the people around me, I realised that I had to keep going, regardless of what has happened. It took me a while, but I am coping. I still feel the sharp pain, but it isn't a constant unbearable hurt like it had been before. For short periods of the day, I am able to forget that my life is a living Hell. When I do remember, though, whirlwind emotions carry me back into the black hole I was in. For my sisters, I make an effort to smile and go on living and breathing.   
  
Paige has been remarkable with Phoebe, so loving and sensitive. It seems as though she understands where Phoebe is and knows how to slowly bring her back into the real world. It's a lot of work, but she's actually started responding with more than a few words when we talk to her. Yesterday, in fact, she smiled. It only lasted a second, but it was progress. Prue cried when she saw Phoebe's brilliant smile, and Paige hugged her so hard she could barely breathe. Unfortunately, I missed it, but I'm determined not to miss it again.   
  
Leo is trying to deal with the loss he feels, and he is beginning to be comfortable around me again. I can still see the accusations in his eyes, and it nearly kills me. He pretends not to blame me, but I know that deep inside he truly does. I blame myself, and he has a right to the feeling. I wish he would talk to me about it, so that we could get past the invisible barrier between us. He avoids the topic like the plague, and I'm not too eager to bring it up either. I want it to just disappear, but that is too much to expect. So, I'll just walk on egg shells when he is around until we can get past this.   
  
Lucky for us, we've been able to heal without the hassle of demonic attacks. I hope it continues because none of us, with the exception of Prue, are ready for that just yet. Prue is always the exception to the rule, that is how she likes it. She has been spending hours studying the book of shadows. "I have been away so long, I need to refresh my memory," is her answer when I ask about it. I don't think it is possible for my oldest sister to FORGET anything! She is so business-oriented. I suppose that is a good thing, we need that around. I missed that about her. I have realised that there are countless things that I longed for since she has been back. Like the way her eyes snap when she gets angry, or the way she likes to check on us while we sleep. I even enjoy her nagging, it was missing for too long.   
  
I will always have an ache in my heart when I think about the child I should have. She would have been a beautiful gift, and an enhancement to our lives. I have wanted so badly to be a mother, but it seems as though that is too much for me to wish for. Maybe I wouldn't be such a great mother, like I first felt. I long to hold her in my arms, but she is gone forever. I never got to hear the sweet laughter of a child, or hear the word 'mommy'. I won't get to watch her grow up, she was taken from me before I even saw her face. I may get over some things, but this is impossible to overcome. No one should ever have to suffer the loss of a child. A baby should be a reason for joy and celebration, never this soul wrenching agony. 


End file.
